my thoughts you can't decode

I'm an open book. I'm okay with that. I know it's much more alluring to be mysterious, but I feel safe that my book is sometimes so convoluted, I can still be difficult to figure out. I haven't done it yet, so let me know if you crack the code and then I'll think about restrictions.

I've been away for a long time. A lot of that has just been time constraints, but a lot more of it is bigger than that. I've written so many blogs. Just sitting there in the dash. All seriously thought-provoking subjects from what beauty products I'm addicted to, to my thoughts on time-sucking Pinterest, to my disillusion with television these days. With some kid stories and politics thrown in, of course.

But when I would think of hitting Publish, it felt wrong. I love to entertain. And the idea that those posts are entertaining to a select few makes me really happy. To make one person laugh can make my entire day. But I'm not writing this blog to entertain. I'm chronicling my life. And it feels deceitful to not address what I hope will be the most difficult time of my life.

So this is my Divorce Post.

I decided not to over think it. Not to write a draft. I never write that way-even when I blog, email, text, Facebook ...and I know it would be unnatural and awkward. So when I re-read this later, I'll regret some things. And I'll have a few "shit-I should have said..." moments. But I think that's much more true to me.

I'm going through a divorce. It is painful and heartbreaking and breath catching and hard. I can't paint it pretty. As secure as I am in knowing this is the right thing for my family, agonizing thoughts exist daily. From birthday parties to Disney vacations to first dates to 16th birthdays to graduations to weddings, I flash to the future and I'm stabbed with the knowledge that the 5 of us won't be in it together. And sometimes I literally suck in my breath.

Living in the now, the cliched "just take it one day at a time" has never been more appropriate. The babies are both so young. Having a 1 year-old and a 3 year-old is challenging to anyone, I have gathered (from obsessively scouring other mothers' blogs in desperate need of validation). Jenna is still a "baby" at times and Jake is a baby. I've been a single mom since September and I can tell you that doing 1 and 3 with only 1 set of hands is nothing short of ridiculous. I'm exhausted. Not just physically...I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted.

I sat down tonight, after both kids had fallen asleep in the car and had miraculously been transferred from Carseats to cribs, and I didn't know what to do with myself. The right answer

would be to call or email back some of my incredible friends. The ones who call, text, email to no avail checking on me. Who I don't reply to because I feel like the 2 sentence reply (the only one I'm capable of right now) isn't fair to them. But I didn't know where to start.

So I typed in this address and decided to open my book. So that I could write and feel...and then close it. Knowing the next time it's opened, I can go back to what I love. Telling stories about my life that are crazy and boring and funny and random.

I'm going to be okay. Kevin is going to be okay. The kids will be okay. The love that surrounds them is so intensely fierce -nothing can put out their fire.

But for today, there is a lot of hurt and a lot of struggle. There are tears and anger and doubt and fear. Trust in the system is broken, but trust in life and in love and in God is not.

And every single day-I encounter something beautiful. Whether it's through friends or my children or my parents or my sister or even my job. Everyday, I feel something precious.

So goodbye, Divorce Post. You're here on the record and that's all I needed to do.