Cancer. Crab.

When I started the blog, I was nervous. I love the idea of blogging. I’ve said it before and I will stand true to that emotion. It’s the perfect outlet for someone who has a lot going on in their head. I was nervous that I couldn’t do it regularly. Then, I self-imposed even more pressure than a blog allows, by deciding that I would blog a journal. That decision, believe it or not, was not wine induced. I really do want to blog it. But, see, I’m flighty. Those feelings just aren’t intense anymore. I lost interest and motivation. I’m such a strange person. I can be so anal and committed and set in doing something right. But then I can be so incredibly disinterested… it’s not right.

I love Facebook. I’m annoyed with people that shun it; I won’t ever be too cool to admit that I think it’s great. I love to post my thoughts (and my super-cute kids), obviously, but I also really love to see what everyone else is thinking/feeling/doing. I know a lot of it is my personality and I think there is a contributing factor of deciding to live on the lake. In the country. Near my parents. With the absolute Perfect backyard for Jaime. But away from a lot of people my age; certainly away from my lifelong friends. Sometimes when I post, I think I’m just writing to those lifelong friends that I should be at happy hour with.

That being said, there are days/nights that I think “I couldn’t even fathom caring about Facebook.” I’m hot and cold, I tell you. I have had more than 2 boyfriends that have lovingly (?) told me that “She’s Every Woman” by Garth Brooks, is their song to me. If you don’t know it, it’s a little diddy by Garth about a very moody (basically crazy) woman. It’s insulting to me, but I can’t really argue it rationally. I am all over the place. I’ve waited a lot of years to figure out “who I am”, but decide with this birthday that I will never really be able to explain it. I know who I am, but its 6 different people. I am not asking for psych recommendations, I just feel if you’re vested enough to read my blog…you should understand.

July is coming. July has always been my favorite month because it symbolized my birthday. Funny how it has remained my favorite month, but because it houses my husband’s birthday, my daughter’s birthday, and my baby boy’s birthday. I now have even more irrational moments than ever, come July. I have always firmly believed that if you never slow down, you never grow old. However, the faster I go, the more candles there are in my cake. I am okay with mortality. I am certainly okay with my Real life, for eternity. But I am not cool with ageing. I like pretty skin and tight tummies and, overall, I’m really vain. And don’t get me started with how my acceptance of the Lord taking me has changed since I have had all these kids that I want to raise and watch.

So I will have a little moment when I turn another year older. Then I will have a meltdown when my “babyjake” turns One. It will follow with a mortality-check when Kevin turns another year over. And it will conclude with a good, 4 minute, gut-wrenching sob that my baby girl is 3. (get ready marian kaye)

I will take it all in stride and be grateful for every single thing I cringe over. But I can guarantee that I’ll be full-force “fire and ice”.

Thank you, my friends, which want me to blog. You know me well enough to know that if you didn’t, I wouldn’t. Don’t ever stop asking me to. I apologize for having nothing more to post, but if you know me as well as you’re claiming…you know I’ll produce something. Beautiful pictures of my children, a journal of a (n extremely inappropriate for blogging) trip through Europe, or at least a recap of a crazy month.

I feel that the last 4 “unpublished” blogs will never see the light of day. SO know that Jake had a (very successful) surgery, Jenna has become a smartass that makes us (literally—not just “laugh at your kids”—literally) laugh out loud, and Landon is an insanely talented athlete.

One makes us constantly smile, one makes us nervous, and one makes us in awe. We are insanely blessed. …….especially when their mommy is all over the damn place…..

and so it begins

Well, I am going to world-wide-web my europe trip. I was in my very, very young 20s. I was alone and I was 1,000% full of confidence. I had no reservations. I had no plan other than getting to Munich at some point to see a friend. I flew into Paris, and so Paris is where my journey began.
You understand that I have to leave some things out of this silly re-write. Landon can read. Kevin can't yet, but he might learn one day. and then he might take an interest in this blog he's never glanced at. and, above all, my daughter will likely read this one day. when she's 25 and I tell her I have a blog. and if she Ever thinks she's going to Europe by herself...she's so sorely mistaken. and she is certainly not going to hear all the details of this trip. some skeletons are supposed to stay in the closet.
Need more details after this....ask me after a bottle of wine.
you may think i'm exaggerating how much i talked about food. i assure you, as much as it pains me, i'm copying this brown leather book word for word. i have always been a foodie. before foodie was an adjective. i did time-stamp it. maybe i hoped i would publish it one day. back then my dreams were probably different than a mom with a blog...but as I read this now, for the second time, i assure you I am still the exact same person i was then.

Noon -
I made it. My plane landed 2 hours ago and it has taken me this long to figure out how to get from the airport to Paris. I'm finally on the right train! Feel satisfied. Finding a hotel will be a different story.
5:00 -
oh i love this city. it's so scary and beautiful and fun! after 4 hotel stops and practically touring Paris with my 90 pound suitcase - i found a room. it's small, but i'm sitting on my BALCONY right now, over-looking the streets of Paris! what a life. i had to climb out my window to get out here. the weather is perfect. it was sunny and cool earlier and now i feel my skin tanning, it's so hot.
after checking into the hotel, i had a wonderful lunch at an outdoor cafe. no one spoke english so I just let them order for me. i had baked chicken, scalloped potatoes and yummy french bread. after the meal, i attempted to order a glass of chardonnay and got a huge bowl of chocolate ice cream! pleasant mistake.. i walked the streets for a couple of hours and all of the sudden I was in the middle of a huge parade! everyone was just dancing all over the street! when in paris....
i'm trying to convince myself to take a nap so i can checkout the nightlife later. havent slept yet, but too excited to try!
11:00-
i finally did fall asleep and it was hard to get up. i went to dinner and had delicious bruschetta and Bordeaux. there was a very cute boy beside me at dinner, but all we could repeatedly say was "bonjour!" i thought the chili peppers in the olive oil was a decorative touch. i proceeded to douse my food with it and tried to remain cute as my eyes watered and my nose ran.
I then found an outdoor jazz cafe and drank wine and listened to live jazz that seriously rivaled New Orleans.
when i say i'm from texas, all people want to talk about is the death penalty.
i've never been happier than i was tonight! i could've stayed there forever, but decided to head back to the hotel. i'm heading to switzerland tomorrow and, i assure you, i am studying language books so that if i'm at a table by a cute boy again on this trip...it leads to more than "bonjour!"
i never want to forget the feeling i had tonight. sheer happiness. i love paris

"until you spread your wings, you have no idea how far you can fly"

About 10 years ago, I finished graduate school. I had lots of letters behind my name. my parents threw me a party at a clubhouse, then sent me on a cruise. spoiled? yes. rotten? i hope not.

but see, there is this. i went to europe.
i had just finished school. i knew the rest of my life was forever. so i asked. i begged. i had to go to europe.

and also, there's this. i had to go alone.
i didn't want my family there. i didn't want to take a friend. i needed to grow. i needed to be independent. i had to do it on my terms. God bless my parents that i ever even begged. God bless my parents that they finally said, Go.

i went to europe, alone, for about 6 weeks. i had no plans...other than "see western europe" ... a euro rail pass and a suitcase. it was, undoubtedly, one of the best experiences of my life. one of those unreal experiences that i often wonder if it really did happen. but it did. my parents and their sleepless nights will attest.

so tonight something triggered my thinking of that time. of before kevin, before kids, before this beautiful life i lead. i thought about europe and i thought, "i wrote." it came to me like a revelation, although i'm sure i've just never thought to think of it before. but i visualized a tan journal and i knew i wrote.

so tonight i found it. i haven't read it since i wrote in it. years. i found the red suitcase full of everything imaginable from that trip. tickets, napkins, matchbooks, maps...and i got the journal out. it's just so wonderful. i've never appreciated being a writer more. i wrote it all down.

i know that a lot of you read this blog to see pictures of my fabulous children. i don't blame you. they're kickass. but i want to write my europe journal so badly. you have two choices; be patient or stop reading.

i know i was young...24 years old? but i was SO young. i was a terrible writer (i don't feel i've evolved that much) but i have to stay true and write it word for word. i wrote on the right side of the journal, as you should, but i also wrote things on the left side. little bubbles that said "Remember!....." things i wasn't going to write about in my narrative but wanted to remember. they are absolutely my favorite part of the journal, although sadly, i don't really remember any of them.

so tomorrow i will start, as my journal starts, in Paris. see you there.

Every time..she blinks...she strikes somebody blind...

I have to document 4 of the conversations that took place with Jenna* this Tuesday evening, between pick-up at 5:45 and bath time at 6:45 PM. Funny discussions are a daily occurrence, but some happen in such succession that I am forced to reflect on it.

*the referenced child is 2 ½ years old.

We are all in the car, after the hustle of pick-up, and have just set out on the freeway.

Me: (frustrated sigh)
JK: What Wrong??
Me: Nothing, baby, I’m just hungry.
JK: (in serious, amazing comfort-voice she does. think of the comfort-voice you use when something is REALLY wrong. like a bad fall.) It’s okay, Mommy. We go to gaga-papa’s and they will make you some dinner. It’ll be oootaay.
Me: Gaga isn’t even home – she’s visiting Deder.
JK: oh. I know deder!
Me: Sure. She’s Gaga’s best friend.

Silence.
I’ve been up since 4 AM on these days and have been working since 7 AM. I promise that I engage in conversations with my children – just not always on the car ride home. I am still trying to decompress.
I’m kinda glad the chatter has paused.
Radio up.
8 minutes of nothing.

JK: gaga’s UDDER best friend.
Me: what?
JK: deder be gaga’s udder best friend. Im her bestest best friend.

And the best part of these little talks is that when HER conversation is finished, she gives me a Look. This look of “and there will be nothing more mentioned about That.”

We’ve gone a few more miles down the road. Jenna is trying to open the spout of a water bottle and is yelling “Open This!” (to I assume me?) over and over.

Me: (ignoring)
At least 8 Open This!-es later…
JK: WaHooooo! I opened it myself!!!!
Me: glad you did because I wasn’t going to.
JK: why you wasn’t going to?
Me: because you forgot to say Please.
JK: (looks over at brother) Good ting I opened it myself.

And the look.

We’re on the home stretch of our 30 minutes trek home and she’s annoyed at every song on the radio.

JK: I don’t even yike ANY of dese songs!
Me: Well, what did you sing at Chapel today?
JK: (bursts into dramatic song)
Come and join our fwiends – they all weady to play! Nahnahnah nahnahnah it’s a Super Special day…
Me: Jenna. I seriously doubt that you sang the Ni Hao, Kai Lan theme song in Chapel.
JK: YES I DID! …come on Wintoo, let’s tiger tiger ROAR….
Me: You really shouldn’t tell fibs.
JK: (sigh) otay. We sing Jesus Yoves Me in Chapel today.

Silence.
Radio back up.
5 minutes later…

Me: Kate! It’s Tuesday! You didn’t even have Chapel today!
JK: oooohhh yaaaaa. I guess I just be fibbing again.

Look

We’re home. I’m sitting at the table trying to eat. Jake’s running around wild in his walker.

Me: (Gasp!) (back to eating…)
JK: What Wrong???
Me: Nothing, baby, Jakey just ran over my toe.
JK: (gets up and looks at me with an exhausted…maybe disappointed? look) Mommy. You need to be weawing shoes.
(Same disappointed look at Jacob) Jakey. That’s enough of that.
(she wheels jake out of the kitchen and into another room where I hear her say…)
You didn’t mean to hurt Mommy. You be only Zero.
(strolls back into the kitchen without Jake, goes back to her plate and glances up at me with that look)

Babyjake will be in a yittle timeout to be thinking about it.

Backyard Babies

I have a lot of friends that do so many good things, I get all proud and beaming when I hear them mentioned. Often in a very narcissistic way. Like, I must be pretty awesome if people like THIS love me. It's unhealthy.
But those are the types of friends that inspire me. And, the majority of the time, the feeling of pride is fugacious and I'm just thankful that God blessed me with such good company.

My friend Stefanie is one of those friends. She is one of those people you're just lucky to know. Ya know?
She and her husband Mike work hard, they raise awesome kids, they pull off things like huge operations taking Texas Roadhouse food overseas to feed the troops, they support their community, the chick happens to be ridiculously funny
....just all around goodness.

They submitted a video to HGTV and are in the running for a backyard makeover. The peeps behind the scenes told them that traffic to their video, comments, etc. plays a big part in who they choose.
So, because they're a couple of those friends that make me all beamy when people talk about how much they Give.....
do me a favor and watch their video.
(...and comment if you're the awesomest.)

http://my.hgtv.com/hgtvd/Yard/Moon-Rock-Makeover/detail.esi?oid=23749037


"...if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard; because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."
(that annoying Dorothy girl)

...and we’ll all float on okay...

Bad news comes, don’t you worry even when it lands…
I feel like I’ve been surrounded by sad the last month.

People are sick, babies are sick, parents are sick, siblings are sick.

Kate’s cancer was not healed; Cooper got wings.

I lost a friendship that I’m certain was never real to begin with. But that doesn’t make me miss it any less, yet.

I’m too busy at work – there are too many babies with hearing loss. There are too many messages and too many charts. Too many responsibilities and not enough days in my work week.

I lost my phone case.

I still have ten pounds of baby weight to lose and I’m addicted to sour patch bunnies. And cinnamon gummy hearts.

I don’t sleep enough.

Good news will work it’s way to all them plans….
But I know I’m surrounded by So Much Good. I don’t take any of it for granted.

Kevin decided to accept a new job that will benefit our family in many ways.

My oldest, dearest friends came to my house for a weekend of drinking and talking (with a little dancing thrown in). Adrienne, Amy, Ann, Becky, Jess, Kari and Stef moved in and my family moved out. Leaving me with no Similac, no sippies, no Nickelodeon and no bedtime. It went fast…it took much more time for any of us to prepare for it than the actual 48 hours seem worth. But it was so worth it. It was necessary. It was food for the soul. We missed you dearly, jennifer.

I have started a new friendship – a slow-starting, surface relationship that has turned into someone I can always turn to for advice, for a laugh, for encouragement to not completely go off the deep end when my kids are at their lowest moments. (i heart you, cupcakediva)

People are healthy, babies are healthy, parents are healthy, siblings are healthy.

My dad is staying cancer-free; my friend is glowing through a healthy pregnancy.

Landon turned NINE-years-old. Nine. And is healthy and smart and sweet and athletic and wonderful.

And then there are these people….

I got stuck in writing. I wanted to blog, but knew I had skipped so many things. Do I go back? Do I just start now? Do I write all the sad? Do I pretend everything is perfect? I never came up with answers, just decided to write this morning and whatever came out of my mouth – would be what I jumped back in with.

And now I feel like the ice has broken between me and the blog.

March is a month that I’ve been looking forward to. Friends and family coming to the lake 2 of the weekends. My fabulous niece’s wedding in Fort Worth one weekend and a baby shower for my dear friends the other. My husband will be in Dallas for an entire week and San Antonio for an entire week, training for this new job. I’ll document it all…in pictures and in words…so that I can relive it all one day and smile.

We’ll all float on alright.

"Do you have any idea what you're talking about? No. Why, does it sound like I do?"

if you don't know the movie - - you don't deserve to know who said it.

Dr. Gus Mueller is an audiologist with a sense of humor ...which is rare. He writes a blog that I appreciate and his first post of the year started with this paragraph:

If you’re doing blogging on the 1st of the year, the content sort of has to fall within one of three areas:

reflections of the past year, new year resolutions, or predictions for the new year.

I can’t remember 2010 very well, and my
life is too enjoyable to complicate it with resolutions, so I’m going to throw
out some predictions for 2011

I couldn't have written anything more perfect for my first blog of 2011….

Those of you who know me well, know that I have the memory of a gnat. Certainly regarding anything negative or unpleasant…but even the good and happy times. I really don’t remember 2010 well enough to do reflecting beyond re-reading this blog that skims the surface of my life.
And I know you all re-read this thing from beginning to end at least once a week, so we’re fine there.

“My life is too enjoyable to complicate it with resolutions” is my favorite part. I’ve never made resolutions. I always want to lose weight, , I always want to get more organized, I always want to cut out all of the clutter…..all those stereotypical resolutions are just constant things I have in the back of my head but rarely get serious about. I like to just enjoy life and raise kids and drink wine. My life does not need to be complicated with resolutions.

((And then I quickly add that I’m not really a LAZY person. I can be very motivated but usually just by competition. I don’t like to lose. When I get the hiccups, everyone knows to immediately dare me to not hiccup 3 times. If I have a dare, I will do it. I always stop hiccuping after 2. If someone thinks I can’t do something, I’m going to try harder than you could even imagine to actually do it. And do it well. If I want to. I just like to spend a good 80% of my life in RELAX mode.))

So with zero reflections or resolutions going on in Jaime’s Brain ---- I’ll shout out some completely random predictions for 2011….

1. The Kroger in Willis will remain as annoying and blerg as any country grocery store could be.

But will pull something like this off to make me laugh in the midst of my disgust…

2. Chandler will become more and more brazenly disrespectful of dog limits.

3. My hairdryer that I have loved and used daily since 2001 will die.

I know your on/off button doesn't work and so if you're plugged in - you're on. And I know your temperature control doesn't work and so when you're plugged in - you're on So Very Hot that I can't keep my hands in my hair for more than a second at a time. But I will miss you. You dried the thickest hair in the universe and you did it for a long,long time.

4. Jake will begin walking at an absurdly young age.

5. Life will remain Good at The Rowland house.

Happy 2011 from my family to yours!